When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
