He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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