I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
