no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
