doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
