That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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