Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
