Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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