How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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