bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
