we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
