I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
