I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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