GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
