i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
