i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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