i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
