she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
