I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
