we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
