We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
