God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
