ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
