Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
