You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
