just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
