I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
