You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Apparently you make a good broom.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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