i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
