remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
