Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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