fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
