Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
