Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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