Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
