Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
