Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
