My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
