Did you just see the Batmobile???
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
