so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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