you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
