My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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