made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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