I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
