What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
