Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
