I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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