Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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