When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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