Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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