Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
